Expendable
by BflyW
Summary: Sequel to My Fear. This is Greg's side of the story.


EXPENDABLE

I have to admit; I was afraid the day Nick first told me.  
I was afraid he would leave me. I was afraid I wouldn't be up to the task.

I had left him hours before, after spending the night. I often did that. Actually, I spent the night at his place more often than I did at my own place. At that point my apartment was just an address to send my mail. Most of my clothes had already migrated into his closet, and he had even started to include my dirty laundry into his. Hell, even I did the laundry, our laundry, at his place, as if that was the natural thing to do. I had bough a new toothbrush and new hairstyling products to clutter up his bathroom, and he accepted it with only a few discreet huffs.

Anyway, as I was saying, I had just left his place hours before. I had to stop by my place to pick up the mail and check the answering machine to see if my mother had called. She never like to call me on my cell; don't ask me why, I really don't know.

When I came to the crime scene I didn't notice anything unusual. My radar must have been off, because I honestly didn't notice Nick sitting at the curb, partly hidden behind the car as I arrived. I didn't notice him until Grissom told me to go see him. That's when I turned and saw my boyfriend. He looked drained, defeated, and I wondered what had happened to the spark in his eyes he looked at me with as I locked myself out of his house just hours before. I wondered how someone could go from beautifully tan to sickeningly pale in such a short time. I wanted to be close to him, but I knew he didn't want to be outed at work, so I settled by sitting next to him at the curb.

"Something wrong?" I asked the obvious, I just didn't know what was wrong yet... I would find out soon enough though.

"The victim," he said, "I knew her. I dated her, a few years ago."  
I knew he had a past, I wouldn't hold that against him. God knows he never holds my past against me.

"It didn't last long, just a few months, and we, well we broke it off. I haven't seen her since though. It's just that…" He looked at me with such a pain in his eyes. If I'd take one guess, I would say he wanted to drink in the sight of me, as if afraid of it being the last time he could ever do that. That's what scared me the most. That's when it really hit me that whatever came next would be very important, and very scary, for Nick. "There's a kid," he continued, "she had a kid, and I think it might be mine."

He thought she was his, and he was right to. She was so much like him.

The eyes… I fell in love with those eyes once, and I still love them. The only change is there used to be one person I loved with those eyes, now there are two. And I wasn't prepared. I don't mean prepared for the actual caring for a small human being. I mean the feelings. And I am not even talking about the overwhelming feeling of love and my own incapability of meeting her needs. No, I am talking about the feeling of not being the real thing. Call it jealousy. I think I was jealous of Nick for having such a wonderful daughter.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. In the beginning it was just a lot of confusion. Would Nick want me in his life? Would he want me to raise Lisa with him? I think even the thoughts of what my parents would be to this girl entered my mind pretty early.

Weird really, how you are more concerned what your parents' status will be rather than focus on getting all the equipment needed to house a three year old girl. And speaking of housing a girl… We didn't even live together, so it shouldn't be my problem, right? It's just that, we were on our way there. So I didn't know whether or not to bring the rest of my stuff over, or to remove the things I already had there, because I assumed bringing Lisa into the mix, it was all or nothing. I was hoping for all and fearing for nothing. I don't remember anymore if I ever told Nick that, or if I waited for him to tell me what he wanted.  
I felt so alert at the time. I stayed so cool, so clear minded and did not freak out at all… yeah, right, that's why four days later I couldn't even remember half of what had happened. My mind just went blank, and suddenly it was all chaos. That's when I shut down. I broke down in the locker room, and Catherine had to call out my name many times before I reacted. I think the most intelligent sound I made was "huh?"

Working the case she was pretty up to date on everything that had happened, and she was able to walk me through the events, step by step. Some of it I remembered, some of it I didn't. Most of it has come back to me now, but it took time. Gradually I remembered what had happened, it seemed like my brain couldn't cope with it all at once. The experience scared me. It showed me how the body blocks out when it is too much for you to process. It's just that it was important for me to remember. I had to remember all about the days when Lisa came into our life. Not just for me, but for Nick and Lisa. I didn't want any detail of these days to be an open question in the future.

I guess I was sweating pretty hard as I was waiting for the DNA result. I was glad Nick had wanted me to run the test. I know he was concerned about asking me, since I had transferred to field by then, but this wasn't just a case. Not as far as I was concerned. This was about helping my boyfriend. This was about getting some important answers about what our life would be like. And I wanted to give him the answers. I didn't want just anybody to see the result and spread the word in the lab. And I also wanted to be able to get the answers as soon as possible, because living in suspense was killing me. I can only imagine what it did to Nick. I could see him though, pale and not eating. He didn't talk much, and he pretty much shut himself in. And he spent every possible moment at the hospital with Lisa.  
I have to admit, at that point, it wasn't about Lisa. Not to me. I know it was for Nick. He took one look at her and fell in love. I know it would have been hard on him if she wasn't his, because he was attached to her already. I however, I didn't see Nick's daughter in her right there and then, I just saw a kid, just like in so many other cases. What made this special was that I saw my boyfriend involved. I did this for Nick. I wanted to help him! It wasn't until later, after it had been confirmed that she was his, some time after, that I started seeing her, and started caring for her, regardless of Nick. I am not sure when it started, but I have to tell you, and I am not proud of this, it took some time.

Many people think I am a natural with kids. Maybe it's because I'm so young at heart. I look a bit goofy, and I like to do pranks. But honestly, kids make me nervous. How do you act towards them? I wasn't used to kids. I had only observed them from a distance, usually a long distance, and that only a few times. No, I had no experience what so ever. All I had was a million questions. Like, did 3 years old use diapers? What do they eat? When are the supposed to be put to bed? How do you, a male – not even relative, bathe a 3 year old girl without it being wrong?

I started to think of everything at once, instead of focus on facing the problems one hinder at the time. That's when I decided Nick was probably better without me. Except, I was too selfish to let him go, and luckily for me, he never made an effort of telling me to leave either. So without actually making a big deal about it, we agreed on moving in together and making a bit of an odd family for Lisa.

Actually, I think Nick made the decision for us. He sat on the couch one day I came home. All tired, as usual. I am not sure he actually got much sleep then. Or, I'm pretty sure he did not get much sleep. I could hear him tossing around in the living room all night (or day as other people will call it). Anyway – I found him on the couch, The TV was turned off, so the staring was actually blank. He smiled when I walked into the room, and I think that was the first time I saw a genuine smile since this whole thing started. I guess that smiled ensured me that everything would be fine in the end.

"Sit down," he said, patting the couch next to him. Encouraged by the smile, I curled up next to him.

"Anything happened?" I asked, wondering whether there was news on when Lisa could come home. It had been over a month now since the result had come through. I knew it was hard for Nick not bringing her home the minute it was clear she was his. He had acted pretty weird there for a while, almost hating Amanda. Beth, Lisa's mother, had appointed her to be the emergency contact, and Lisa's legal guardian if something should happen. I don't think he really did hate her though. Well, I don't know. I just can't believe he is actually capable of hating. I mean, he didn't even hate Kelly Gordon. Oh, well, I don't want to think about that.

Anyway, he was acting weird. He didn't want Lisa to be with her, acted angry for Child Services questioning him as a father. I wanted to remind him that the Child Services acted correctly, that Lisa needed security and comfort now, and although he was her father, he was in fact a stranger to her. She needed time to get to know him. But knowing my lovely boyfriend, I also knew that even though he is loving and caring, he can be a bit stubborn and narrow minded at times. If I told him that he would only bite my head off. I could live with that though, but since I wouldn't win anything on doing so, I thought it best at the time to just agree with him and say "yes" to all his curses about that "evil woman" as he called her. I'm happy he came to his senses when he did though, because I was about to snap. There is a limit on to how much bitching I can take from a otherwise sensible man.

One thing about Nick; when he is wrong, and realize it, he admits it. That's what makes him the bigger man in most cases. Me, I can try to cover it up, at least to Nick. It doesn't help though, because he sees right through me. He always sees right through my bullshit, and that has turned out to be a blessing at more than one occasion. But Nick, when he realize he has been wrong, he do all he can to correct it. So the moment he realized that Amanda was a good thing for Lisa, he talked to her. He made an agreement with her about continuing to include her in Lisa's life, and asked her to be Lisa's connection to her mother. Amanda was after all the only one left to tell Lisa about her mother.

So I was sitting there, all cuddly, when Nick informed me he had talked with his parents. I shouldn't be surprised that he had talked with his parents, people do that. But he wasn't talking about a "hi, how's the weather…"- kind of conversation. He was talking about the conversation. The conversation where he informed them that they were grandparents, again (They already had 9 grandchildren from before). As expected they were thrilled. It doesn't matter how a child comes into the world, the Stokes family would embrace any grandchildren that came into their life. Mrs. Stokes cried a little, she was sad she had missed the first three years of this precious girl's life, but happy to have her in her life now.

Judge Stokes was more concerned about the legal formalities, and was worried Nick would not get the parental rights, but as soon as Nick could assure him that it was all taken care of, he started planning how he could spoil his granddaughter. Most people who meet Judge Stokes are a bit intimidated of his presence, but send in a grandchild, and the man melts like ice cream in the sun.

Then, Nick had continued to the hard part of the conversation, the part where he told them about me. Yeah, the "I'm gay" part of the conversation. I don't know what words he used, and they may have still been high from the granddaughter news, but they took it well. No "are you sure?", no "Can't you find a nice girl instead". Actually they told him that I was a good guy and they were happy for us. There had obviously been no need to dread that conversation for years. So, the cat had been let out of the bag, and this new openness made it naturally for me to ask him about what step to take further.

I think I said something along the lines of "So, does this mean I will call them mom and dad?" And he just smiled, again. He was generous with his smiles that day. He gave me a kiss and told me that at least it meant that I could officially move in, if that's what I wanted. I couldn't say much, but it didn't take me more than an hour before I had changed the message on the answering machine.

That's how we ended up as a family; a small family with two fathers and a daughter. So, it was like this; Nick was the father, Lisa was the daughter and I was the step-father. I was a good step-father as well. At least I think so, and Nick told me so, time and time again. I was surprised how naturally it all came to me. Of course, at first all I could think of was that kids like stuffed animals, so I filled her room with them. It looked like a jungle. Again, I have to admit, it wasn't just because I wanted to make Lisa happy, it was just as much, if not more, to convince Nick that I could do this. I was so scared that he would see through my bullshit and realize that I wasn't man enough to be a father-figure for his kid.

You hear about it all the time, right? How people change when they get kids. How the kid suddenly is the most important in their life, and I was so convinced that Nick at any time could decide that I wasn't good enough for his daughter, and would cut me loose. I have admitted that to him later, and he was shocked when I told him. I honestly think the thought had never entered his mind. He claims I was a huge support for both him and Lisa in that first period of time, and that I have continued to be so. That we now are a real family, and that none of us is expendable.

You should think that this would have been enough for me, right? But no, no, not me. I had to get jealous. You may think that I was jealous of Lisa for being number one in Nick's life, but no, that's not it. That was totally understandable, and acceptable. She was his flesh and blood. No, I was jealous of the bond they have, that Nick had something I didn't. He was her real father, and I had no claim to her.

Legally I have nothing, I mean, if Nick and I split up, he can just take Lisa and leave. I can only trust us, trust that we will last, because I can't imagine living without any of them. Or if Nick dies, God forbid, it would be his family that would get the parental rights, not me. But most of all, I felt jealous that some of Nick was being continued in Lisa. He had a kid, and I would never get that. Not as long as I am with Nick, because face it – two guys don't produce kids. And with Lisa we already had all the kids we wanted, so getting another one, one of my own, was out of the question. And beside, getting another one wouldn't make my bond to Lisa any stronger, so it wouldn't help much. I would still just be her step-father, the one with no biological bond to her.

Have I mentioned before that Nick sees through my bullshit? Don't think he didn't see through this as well. I never mentioned my thoughts to him. Well, I thought I didn't. Except, I guess I had a tendency to stress the fact that Nick is the father to anyone who asked. I'm not a hundred percent sure why I did that, but I think I did it to prove to my self, and most of all to Nick, that I was absolutely okay with it. Of course Nick saw it as it was, namely just a way for me to convince my self that I was okay with it, when in fact I hated it. So one day we were sitting on the couch watching Lisa dance to the "hits for kids" CD I had bought for her. I wasn't sure what Nick would say about that, but he just laughed when I showed it to him. So, there we were, watching our little girl stumble her legs in a not so rhythmical fashion. And Nick held my hand in one of his own while pointing at her with the other, saying: "She gets that from you".

Stunned I just looked at him.

"That, the dancing, she has gotten that from you".

I was thinking it might have finally snapped for him, because he did know he was the father, right?

"I'm not…. We're not really related, Nick". I tried not to sound sarcastic when I said it, not wanting to hurt his feelings by not saying it the right way. He just nodded, though.

"It doesn't matter; she still gets that from you. She looks up to you, and she is trying to impersonate you in everything you do. And that is how she is carrying on parts of you. She is yours, Greg, and when she grows up, there's gonna be so much of you in her that it really doesn't matter about biology. She is still yours, and you'll have influenced her just as much as I have. Never doubt your fatherhood, G. As far as she and I are concerned, you are just as much her father as I am."

What can I say, pretty smart boyfriend, eh... partner, I have. And I must say; a wonderful daughter as well. She can't dance though, she got that from her other father, but no one can say anything about her enthusiasm; she's got that from me.


End file.
